I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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