Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
