The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
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I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
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I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize