Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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