Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
