my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
