it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
