I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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