I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
please come you make the beer taste better
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
