WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
