WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
