we're chasing vodka with high fives
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
