Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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