I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
