I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
she told me i tasted like america
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal