i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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