found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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