farters have to be the big spoon...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
where are my eyebrows?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
