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Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
