Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
