Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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