All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
