Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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