Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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