Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
