I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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