When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
