Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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