why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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