probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
