My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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