I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
