you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
