UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
