OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
