You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
