So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I FOUND THE LEGS
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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