I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
