Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I smell like Dick and happiness
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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