my sisters under your porch take her home
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
