Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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