Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
