I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
