where am i from again
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
