she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
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we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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