If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
my poor anus
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
