Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
