I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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