im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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