Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
