After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
