a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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