I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize