i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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