the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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