I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
