Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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