fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
