The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize
